


The Birthday Present

by mintonarel



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-14
Updated: 2013-02-14
Packaged: 2017-11-29 05:56:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/683616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mintonarel/pseuds/mintonarel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seifer's been grumpy, so Fuujin and Raijin decide to kidnap Zell and give him to Seif as a birthday present. Hilarity ensues. There's some wildly OOC Seifer, but he's sort of having a nervous breakdown, so please excuse him.</p><p>No bondage, regardless of what you might think...</p><p>This was my first fic, I'm just submitting it here because I'm sure some people will enjoy it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Birthday Present

Every morning Zell jogged. Every one knew this. Some days Selphie and/or Irvine would join him, but this morning he jogged alone. He wore a white sleeveless shirt and basketball shorts. And tennis shoes, of course. Normally he would be listening to music in his iPod, but today he had forgotten it.

The point, however, is that he was alone. And this served Raijin and Fuujin's plan perfectly.

"WAIT!" Fuujin tried to whisper to Raijin as Zell drew closer.

"I know! I can see him! I'm not blind, y'know?"

The plan was, of course, to kidnap Zell. They had all they needed. A bandanna so he wouldn't talk (duct tape was ruled out for being too mean and Raijin had no clean socks), rope for the hands and feet, and a bow to put on him. The bow had been Selphie's idea.

Of course not that Selphie had actually thought that Raijin and Fuujin would go ahead and do as she told them to do. In fact, when she said that they should kidnap Zell and bring him as a present to Seifer with a pink bow, she was just joking.

Mostly joking, at least. The truth was that Seifer was becoming grumpier every day and it was making being around him insufferable. The time Selphie had say that was after he came back from buying ice cream with Seifer and he had blown up in the vendor's face when a drop of liquid chocolate had dripped down the cup and stained his gloves. Selphie was sure the guy wet his pants.

Fuujin and Raijin had, at the time, been thinking of several things they could give Seifer for his birthday (which was that very day). They decided that the only thing that would make Seifer happy would be something that hurt other people. Since they did count as "other people" even if they were friends, they thought hard for other options. A videogame was out because Seifer had already broken two of the Xbox controllers. And candy would just make him hyper alongside his already grumpy self.

That's when Raijin jokingly suggested to do as Selphie said, and Fuujin agreed and now they were hiding behind some bushes waiting for Zell to run through.

"You think this is a good idea?" Raijin asked. "It's kind of mean, y'know?"

"YES!" Fuujin said. The only person who hadn't noticed Seifer's grumpiness was Zell and that was because just the sight of him would make Seifer smile. Granted, then he would go and tease Zell, but the shorter blond was used to it. Fuujin decided that even if she didn't like Zell that much, she would rather stand having him around than hearing Seifer's complaints at everything. Even if it was kind of fun to see him yell at strangers for breathing too loudly.

"We don't even know if he's gay, y'know?" Raijin said, lower this time.

Fuujin did not answer because as low as she could've wanted to whisper, she would've just made Zell figure out where they were. However, she was sure Zell was gay. Not because she had a working gaydar or anything, but because one of her friends (yes, Fuujin did have other friends) who was into boy/boy action had somehow taken a picture of him kissing another boy in Garden and he didn't seem to mind.

As Zell came closer, they crouched, ready to attack. They heard the steps closer and closer and they jumped out just in time to almost give one of the younger students a heart attack.

"I didn't do anything!" He yelled.

"This is not Zell, y'know?" Raijin said, turning to Fuujin.

"Don't you guys have better things to do than scare freshmen?" Zell asked, walking to them. Apparently Zell had leaned against a wall to rest. "It isn't against the rules to jog is it?"

"NO!" Fuujin said, looking at Raijin.

"Of course not!" Raijin exclaimed, letting go of the small boy and almost pushing him away. "We're just, trying to keep everyone on their toes, y'know?"

"ALERT!" Fuujin added. Raijin nodded and both of them tried to look innocent. They looked creepy.

Zell looked at them as though they had lost their marbles. At least the kid was gone now.

"Okay," he said. "I'll just be in my way, then."

"NOW!" Fuujin yelled at Raijin.

Raijin nodded and before Zell knew what hit him Raijin was giving his a bear hug and Fuujin was tying a bandana around his face.

"Ow, he's kicking me, y'know?" Raijin complained.

"SUBMIT!" Fuujin said, taking the rope and trying to tie his hands.

After several minutes of wrestling, some kicking by Fuujin, and one mean pinch on Raijin's butt from Zell, Fuujin and Raijin managed to tie up Zell. They were now carrying him up to Fuujin's room. Well, Raijin was doing the carrying, Fuujin was making sure nobody saw them.

"QUICK!" Fuujin said, crossing one of the last hallways to her room.

"I'm trying! He wiggles too much, y'know?"

Whatever Zell was saying, it had to be R-rated. At least the Garden rooms were soundproof.

"INSIDE!" Fuujin ordered, opening her room.

And that's when they sort of realized they didn't know what they were going to do with Zell until the party that night.

"We have to feed him, y'know?" Raijin said, sitting on Zell, who was on Fuujin's bed and still screaming and squirming.

"BATHROOM!"

"Yeah, that, too," Raijin said. "Although, if we don't feed him, he shouldn't have to go, y'know?"

Zell squirmed in protest.

"We chose the toughest present to give, y'know?"

Fuujin's eyes grew wide and looked at Raijin.

"BOW!"

Raijin looked at Zell, then at Fuujin, and then around the room.

"Oh shit," he said. "This is annoying, y'know?"

\---

Raijin walked all the way back to the Quad. He walked because he couldn't run without looking suspicious and also because his knee sort of hurt because now both Fuujin and Zell had kicked it. The bow was on the floor where the fight had taken place almost an hour ago. He picked it up, thankful for the fact no one was around. As he came out the Quad, he noticed Selphie walking to him. He tried to act cool.

"Hey Raijin," she said, happily. "How're ya?"

"Fine, y'know?" he answered, smiling. "You?"

"I'm great," she said, almost jumping. "But, hey, have you seen Zell?"

"Zell?" Raijin asked, trying hard not to sound nervous. "He could be in the cafeteria, y'know?"

"I already looked. We were supposed to meet and go buy Seifer's present for tonight."

"That's nice, y'know?"

"Yeah..." Selphie said. "I'll try his room."

"He must be there. He's sort of lazy, y'know?"

"I know!" Selphie said, and suddenly noticed what Raijin was holding. "Is that a bow?"

"No!" Raijin said, looking at his hand. "Yes," he added, it was pointless to deny.

"Is it yours?"

"No! Yes. It's for Seifer's present, y'know?"

Aha! The truth, but still giving no reason to be suspicious!

Selphie laughed. "Decided to go along with the kidnapping Zell idea?"

Selphie was obviously joking, but Raijin's expression and the fact he went pale was a dead giveaway.

"You didn't." Selphie said.

Raijin didn't answer, he just ran. He was big, he was built, he could outrun Selphie right?

"RAIJIN, GET BACK HERE!"

Wrong, he felt Selphie almost grab his vest. Man, the girl could run. He decided to try and lose her in the Training Center. As he entered he jumped for cover under some large plants.

Selphie ran past him and he laughed. Then he felt something breathe on his shoulder.

"You won't get lots of experience hiding here, y'know?" Raijin said, turning around. And the he almost wet his pants.

Raijin had never, ever wanted to be so close to a T-Rexaur.

\---

Fifteen minutes and a couple of curas later, Raijin stood in front of Fuujin's room and tried to ignore the pain in his back from where he had landed after the T-Rexaur had knocked him off his feet, into the air, and out of the Training Center. At least the bow was okay.

"LATE!" Fuujin said as he walked in.

"Ran into some difficulties, y'know?" he groaned and slumped in a nearby chair. Zell yelled for help.

"Oh my god!" Selphie said, walking into Fuujin's room before the door could close. "You did kidnap him!"

Fuujin looked at Raijin. "IDIOT!"

Zell looked at Selphie and his whole face lit up. His eyes watered a little and he yelled out Selphie's name (either that or "lime pie") in an almost ecstasy.

Selphie covered her mouth at that sight of Zell laying on the bed, his arms tied behind him and his legs bound completely from knees to ankles. She stared at Zell as she walked closer to him.

"Well, it's over, y'know?" Raijin said to Fuujin.

"Over?" Selphie asked. "This is the cutest, most romantic thing I've ever seen! I want in on it!"

"WHAT?" Both Raijin and Fuujin yelled ("MMHH!?" Zell added).

"Well, I have no clue as to what to get Seifer and this was, technically, my idea."

Zell tried to kick Selphie, but ended up falling off the bed. He tried to roll to the door, but was stopped by Raijin picking him up and putting him back on the bed, not without some difficulty.

"Well, they say that the more the merrier, y'know?" Raijin said.

"You mean I can join!?" Selphie asked.

Raijin looked at Fuujin, who just rolled her eyes and nodded.

Selphie jumped, then hugged Raijin (who was surprised by the girl's strength) and then put her arms gently around Fuujin and kissed her cheek. "I knew you were both cute and nice."

That was the first time Raijin had ever seen Fuujin blush.

"Now we only need one thing!" Selphie said.

"ZELL!" Fuujin said, turning to the small blonde.

"Yeah, it'd be cool if he agreed, y'know?" Raijin said. "Then we could untie him, y'know?"

Zell nodded frantically.

"Guys, the whole thing of kidnapping is that it's done against the victim's will," Selphie said. "Besides, he looks cute tied up."

Zell yelled "DO NOT!" or "GO NUTS!"

"What we need," Selphie went on. "Is a birthday card!"

"CORRECT!" Fuujin said, actually smiling.

"With a nice picture and our signatures, y'know?"

"I KNOW!" Selphie exclaimed. "So, Fuujin and I," Selphie said as she took Fuujin's arm, again making her blush. "Will go look for the card while you bring Zell some breakfast."

"I could even ask the cook for some hot dogs, y'know?"

Zell looked at Raijin.

"She likes me, y'know?" he explained. Zell rolled his eyes and resigned himself to stay tied up.

Suddenly they heard some music.

"Isn't that, like, the Hamtaro theme song, y'know?" Raijin asked.

Fuujin shrugged. Zell looked at him and raised an eyebrow.

"Yes it is!" Selphie said, taking out her cell phone from one of her pockets. She looked at the little screen and whispered "Squall".

Zell's eyes lit up and he began anew with the kicking and screaming.

"Hey, Squall!" Selphie said, sounding as innocent as she looked.

"QUIET!" Fuujin said to Zell.

"Yeah, I'm with Fuujin," Selphie went on, as if that was something normal. "Oh yeah, all's fine."

"That noise? Oh, it's just Raijin. He's making a fuss because Fuujin just kicked his knee," with that she looked at Raijin. Since Raijin was a bit busy trying to keep Zell steady and on the bed, Fuujin kicked him.

"HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK!" Raijin said, slipping off the bed. "Couldn't you at least kick the OTHER knee, y'know?"

"Yeah, she did it again."

Zell's squirming made him fall off the bed, and on Raijin's lap.

"You almost left me childless, y'know?" Raijin whispered to Zell through gritted teeth. Zell took advantage of their position and head-butted Raijin's face.

"OW! What do I look like? It hurts, y'know?"

"Trust me, Squall. He deserved that one, too." After that Selphie put a hand over the speaker and turned to the two boys on the floor. "Would you keep quiet!"

Of course they didn't really listen because Raijin was trying to keep Zell still. He looked like he was trying to catch a huge fish.

"QUIET!" Fuujin yelled, and smacked both their heads with one powerful swat.

That was as much as Zell could take. All of a sudden his eyes became very watery and before anyone could do anything, he was crying.

"I think you went a bit too far, y'know?" Raijin glared at Fuujin as he put an arm around Zell.

"Okay, Squall, I'll keep you posted. See you tonight!" Selphie hung up and placed her cell phone back in her pocket. She turned and saw Raijin trying to comfort a crying Zell on the floor while Fuujin arranged her bed.

"So, Squall's looking for Zell," she said. Zell's eyes lit up and turned to look at Selphie. "But I told him he's coming shopping with me so that should take care of that."

After a loud "MMHH!?", Zell somehow managed to stand up, hitting Raijin with his elbow.

"You know Squall hates shopping with me, Zell."

Zell, crestfallen, let himself drop back, falling once again on Raijin. ("Oomph!" the larger man said when Zell landed on him.)

"CARD!" Fuujin reminded them.

"That's right!" Selphie said. "We still need to get that. While we're at it we should also get some candy. I mean, it is three of us and Zell is only one present."

"Yeah, I'm fine, thanks for asking, y'know?" Raijin said as he tried to get Zell off him at the same time Zell was trying to let out all of his frustration by attempting to hit him. Now it looked as if Raijin was being harassed by a huge fish.

"Raijin, you're like twice his size. Don't be a wuss," Selphie said dismissively, making Fuujin actually giggle.

\---

Raijin took longer than he expected getting the food because first he had to walk the long way around the garden to avoid Quistis. Then, as he stood in line, he had to hide in order to avoid Irvine, who came into the cafeteria shouting out Zell's name. Once he had the food he again had to go the long way around to avoid Quistis, who was now accompanied by Irvine. At the sight of Squall, he thought of hiding in the nearest place available, but since that was the Training Center he decided to take his chances with Squall.

"Hey Squall," he said, as casually as he could.

Squall was kind of startled by Raijin. Apparently he hadn't noticed Raijin standing there.

"Hey," Squall said, in his usual monotone, and went on.

Raijin let out a relieved sigh and went on his way. Not two seconds later he heard Squall's voice calling for him. He turned around, hiding the bag with the hot dogs behind him as if anyone could tell that there were, in fact, hot dogs in that bag and they were for Zell.

"Have you seen Zell?" Squall asked, straight to business, as usual.

"No," Raijin said, as casually as he could. "Not that I can remember, y'know?"

"Oh," Squall said. "Do you know where Selphie is?"

"She and Fuujin went shopping, y'know?" Raijin answered quickly, as if that made the fact that Fuujin and Selphie were hanging out any less weird.

"And you didn't go with them?" Squall asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I got sent for the food!" Raijin said, showing the bag to Squall. "Y'know?"

"That's for three people?"

Squall had a point, it was a small bag with only two hot dogs. Everyone knew Raijin ate about as much as his bodyweight. Selphie seemed to eat twice that (Raijin's bodyweight, that is). Only Fuujin ate an almost normal amount, and she hated cafeteria food.

"Well, this is just part of it," Raijin said, improvising. "Fuujin and Selphie are bringing the rest, y'know?"

"Oh," Squall answered. "Well, if you happen to see Zell would you tell him that he was supposed to come with me and Rinoa to buy Seifer's gifts? We've been calling him for hours and to be honest I'm a little worried."

"Aw, don't be, big guy," Raijin said, slapping Squall's shoulder in a friendly manner. "Maybe he went to visit his mom, y'know?"

Brilliant! If Squall went to visit Zell's mom, that would take him off their backs for hours!

"I already called her," Squall said. "He's not there, and now she's worried, too."

Or not. Damn! Damn whoever invented that devilish invention known as "the phone".

As if on cue, Raijin's phone rang.

"Is that a Britney Spears song?" Squall asked.

"No, it's Hilary Duff," Raijin answered, rolling his eyes. "I downloaded it yesterday."

"Oh."

As soon as he had placed the speaker on his ear and said "hello?", Selphie decided to go ballistic on his eardrum.

"WHY ARE YOU NOT IN THE APARTMENT TAKING CARE OF THE PRESENT!?" she yelled.

"I was about to, I was just talking to Squall, who's worried about Zell, y'know?" Raijin said, trying to sound the less suspicious.

"Oh," Selphie said. "Well, put him on!" she added, now back to her usual cheerful tone.

Raijin handed Squall the phone and told him it was Selphie. Once Squall had the phone he snapped his fingers near his ear to make sure it still worked.

Squall handed Raijin back his phone after a minute or two. When Raijin asked what was up Squall just shrugged.

"Apparently Zell told her he was going to go training in the forest," Squall said, weirded out. "I just hope he goes to the party, otherwise Seif will be unbearable."

"Yeah!" Raijin said, laughing. "He'll be all like, moody and stuff, y'know?"

"Whatever," Squall said, and went on.

\---

Raijin entered Fuujin's room and as soon as Zell saw him he started to wriggle until once again he had fallen off the bed. Raijin rolled his eyes and once again picked him up.

"If you don't behave, I won't give you the hot dogs I brought ya, y'know?" Raijin said, placing Zell on the bed. Zell looked at Raijin and said "really?" (or was it "chilli"?).

Raijin nodded and once again picked Zell up, the promise of food apparently enough to make him not try to wriggle out of Raijin's hands. He sat him in a chair near the table and took out the hot dogs from the bag, and that's when Raijin realized the a flaw in his plan to feed Zell.

Zell still had the bandanna in his mouth, and taking it off would mean giving Zell a chance to scream for help.

"How do I know you're really hungry, y'know?" Raijin asked with his eyes half-closed.

Zell stared at him and after a few seconds silence his stomach growled. The small blonde blushed a little.

"Okay, so you are hungry," Raijin said. "But, you'll have to keep quiet once I take the bandanna off, y'know?"

Zell didn't answer, but a he gave Raijin a wicked smile, his eyes being the tell-tale.

"So," Raijin said, sitting besides Zell and taking the hot dogs out of the bag. Zell's eyes got an extra glint the moment their smell got to his nose. "I guess I'll have to trust you, y'know?"

Zell nodded frantically, not taking his eyes off the hot dogs.

"But I can't, y'know?" Raijin said, looking pensive. "Because if anyone finds out you're here, Fuujin would kill me, y'know?"

Zell looked at him, puzzled.

"So, since I can't make sure you won't talk, I can't take the bandanna off to feed you the hot dogs, y'know?"

Zell's eyes flew wide open. He shook his head quickly, and then nodded, and then he just kind of started wiggling again.

"And since we can't waste the hot dogs, I'd have to eat them," Raijin went on. Zell stopped and glared at him. "Right in front of you, y'know?"

Raijin took one of the hot dogs and picked it up. He slowly brought it up to his mouth. Zell just stared at him, his eyes big and watery like a wounded puppy.

"Unless of course," Raijin said, stopping about half an inch before the hot dog entered his mouth. "You promise to keep quiet, y'know?"

With that he looked at Zell and smirked triumphantly. The blonde let out a sigh and looked away. He finally shook his head.

"Oh, so you won't keep quiet?" Raijin asked, still smirking. "Then I'll just have to eat the hot dogs, y'know?"

Zell looked back at him, glared, and then said "fuck you" or something about "rock two".

"Have it your way," Raijin said, picking up the hot dog again. "I like these hot dogs, too, y'know?"

Raijin slowly brought the hot dog closer and closer to his mouth, hoping this worked because he actually hated hot dogs.

"MMMMHHH!" Zell whined, just before he took the first bite.

"Oh, so, you're changing your mind," Raijin said, putting the hot dog down, Zell nodded so quickly the hold of his hair gel couldn't take it any longer and his hair fell down. "I knew you would, y'know?"

Raijin reached over to Zell and looked at him for a long moment.

"You promise you'll keep quiet?" he asked. "If you don't, I'll get mad, y'know?"

Zell rolled his eyes and nodded again. Raijin took the bandanna off and Zell moved his jaw from side to side to make sure it still worked properly.

"Man," Zell said. "Haven't you guys heard of gift certificates?"

Raijin looked at him. "Man, that's a great idea! Why didn't you say it befo-"

Raijin did not end that question because he realized it was a stupid question even before Zell looked at him and gave a small growl.

"Anyway," Zell said, coming as close to Raijin as he could. "Feed me!"

Raijin gave him a puzzled look. And then he realized another flaw in this little plan of his. Zell couldn't feed himself with his hands tied, and untying was so out of the question it wasn't funny.

"feedmefeedmeFEEDME!" Zell went on, leaning over and almost biting Raijin's hand.

"Alright!" Raijin said, pushing Zell back. He picked up the hot dog and looked at Zell. "Okay, open wide, 'cause I'm not going to clean you if you get messy, y'know?"

Zell looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "You just made my mind go splash in the gutter," he said.

Raijin blushed. "I didn't mean- I mean- I did mean- but in another way, y'kn-"

"Just give me food!" Zell whined. "I haven't eaten anything since yesterday!"

Raijin fed Zell the first hot dog, but before the second one he asked for something to drink. Raijin found some soda in Fuujin's fridge and poured a glass for Zell. When helping Zell drink like that proved to be a tad messy, Raijin looked for a straw. There was none.

"We'd be okay if you didn't try to drown me with coke," Zell complained. "You might drink a whole glass in one gulp but I happen to drink slowly."

"Well, you could've given a sign when you didn't want anymore, y'know?" Raijin said, cleaning Zell with a napkin.

"Yeah, like, I could've raised my hand or something except I can't really use my hands!"

So, in order to keep things as civilized as possible, Raijin had to be specially careful when giving soda to Zell.

Once all was over, Raijin went and put what was left in the garbage. Zell, too satisfied with the food to remember he should probably use the situation to his advantage, just gave a sigh and rested his face on the table.

Then, he realized he had an emergency.

"Rai?" he whined.

"What?" Raijin asked turning around. "I'm not going to feed you desert with a spoon, y'know?"

"I really have to go pee," Zell almost whispered.

Raijin looked at the small blond for a few seconds before rubbing his forehead.

"This is not good, y'know?"

"Not good?" Zell asked. "Rai, I am tied, I have been for several hours. Most of my body is numb. And I really need to pee. I passed not-good-land sometime ago. What you are witnessing is Zell entering so-fucking-bad city."

Raijin laughed at that statement.

"Not funny, Rai!" Zell glared at him, and then he looked very, very worried. "Uh-oh..." he muttered.

"What?" Raijin asked. "You... you didn't like... like, wet yourself, y'know?"

"No..." Zell said almost pathetically. "It's just that now I don't only need to pee."

"You have got to be fucking with me," Raijin said.

"Untie me," Zell said.

"I can't, y'know?!" Raijin answered, almost panicking.

"You can't give Seifer a present that just fucking soiled itself! UNTIE ME!"

Raijin looked at the door, hoping for the girls to magically appear there. They didn't. He looked back at Zell who now seemed to be spending a whole lot of effort in not having an accident.

"OHMYGODRAIJUSTUNTIEME!" Zell's yell ended in a whine.

Not a second later Raijin was down on his knees undoing the knot on Zell's wrists. Once that was done, he swiftly undid the one binding his legs. The rope fell quite quickly, helped by Zell.

"WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?!" Zell yelled, aggressively shaking Raijin by his vest.

Raijin pointed to the bathroom's door, and Zell ran to it in record speed.

\---

Zell washed his hands and smirked. He was free. And once he came out he was going to visit destruction on Raijin with his bare fists. Sure, Raijin might be big and strong, but Zell's weapons were his hands and they had proven deadly enough. Raijin won't even know what hit him.

Well, actually, he would. But that was not the point.

There hadn't been any signs of the girls returning. In fact, Raijin had had a phone call and from the sound of it it was the girls saying they'd take some time. He still had to find a way to get back at Selphie for this. Maybe he'd erase her memory card with all her DDR data.

But that would be later. Right now he had to be quick. He had to be swift. He would open the door and fall on Raijin like an eagle falls on his unsuspecting prey. Raijin would look back on this day and cringe.

Zell took hold of the doorknob, turned it and opened the door quickly. Raijin was standing right there, as if expecting Zell to submit easily once he was out. Foolish man, thought Zell, you shall now suffer!

After one quick tackle, Raijin was on the floor with Zell on top of him. Zell smiled devilishly.

"Who's in trouble now, Rai?" he asked.

"See guys?" Raijin said, smirking. "He didn't hear you come in, y'know?"

"Wha-" But before could finish even that one word, Selphie had already put the bandanna in his mouth and Fuujin had a hold of his arms. So he kicked. He kicked liked he had never kicked before.

"Stop with the kicking!" Raijin said, taking hold of his legs. "I am so fed up with people kicking me, y'know?"

"ROPE!" Fuujin said, handing Raijin some, already finished with the arms. Not without some help from Selphie, that is. The three of them managed to tie Zell up in less than half the time.

"And this time," Raijin said, triumphantly. "No one pinched my butt, y'know?"

Fuujin rolled her eyes at him and Selphie giggled.

"Well, he's fed and he went to the bathroom so we should be okay until tonight," Selphie said while Raijin once again carried a squirming Zell to Fuujin's bed.

"SHOW!" Fuujin nudged Selphie.

"Oh, yeah!" Selphie said. "We got the cutest card! And we also got Seifer some of those chocolates with tequila in them. And we got a bigger bow to put on Zell. And some condoms, too. And would you stop with your incessant screaming, Zell, I'm showing Raijin the stuff we got."

This, of course, did not make Zell stop. And once again he wiggled until he fell off the bed ("Mow," he said, once he was on the floor).

Raijin rolled his eyes and picked him up once again. "Is it a cutesy card? Because I don't think Seifer would like a cutesy card, y'know?"

"Relax," Selphie said. "Would you call this a cutesy card?"

And out of one of the bags she produced a pink and sparkly card (yes, it had sparkles) that read: "For our star!" in purple cursive. Raijin took the card and opened it. Inside was the drawing a smiling star, and below it "Happy Birthday" in the same purple cursive.

"Yes," Raijin said. "Yes, I would call this cutesy, y'know?"

"Well, we thought it was nice," Selphie said, pouting a little.

"VERY!" Fuujin added, hugging Selphie and glaring at Raijin. The large man was just happy that Fuujin wasn't close enough to kick him.

Raijin's phone rang and he looked at it. When the girls looked questioningly at him, he told them it was Seifer. Zell started screaming again with renewed force.

"Oh my god!" Selphie said. "You've got Hilary Duff as your ringtone!"

"HALLWAY," Fuujin suggested. Raijin nodded and walked out.

"Why aren't you in your room!?" Seifer said as soon as Raijin answered. He sounded like he was about to cry. "You're avoiding me, aren't you!?"

"No, I'm with Fuujin, y'know?" Raijin explained. "Shit," he then said, that would just get Seifer to come there.

"Oh!" Seifer went on, accusingly. "So you two guys hooked up, and now you don't want to hang out with me anymore, right? RIGHT!?"

"Seifer, calm down," Raijin said. "We were just about to call you, y'know?"

"No, you weren't!" Seifer yelled. "I've been calling Fuujin over and over and over and she's not answering! She hates me now, doesn't she? And she's trying to get you to hate me! She's seducing you into hating me!"

"Seif, Fuujin lost her phone last week, y'know?" Raijin explained.

"She did it on purpose!" Seifer yelled, he sounded oddly close. "That heartless bitch!"

"Seifer are you okay?" Raijin asked. "You sound like you're about to have a nervous breakdown, y'know?"

"I AM PERFECTLY OKAY!" Seifer yelled. And as Raijin put some distance between his cell phone and his ear in order to avoid further damage to his eardrum, he turned left and saw Seifer.

The guy looked like he had been to hell and back. He was wearing a white tank top that had several chocolate stains. He had forgotten his belt and his jeans hung low, revealing a pair of boxers with happy chocobo faces on them. Seifer only wore the happy chocobo boxers when he was feeling specially crappy.

They looked at each other for a couple of seconds before all of a sudden Seifer ran towards Raijin. Raijin froze in fear and next he knew Seifer had tackled-hugged him a couple of yards. They were now on the floor, Seifer clinging to Raijin.

"Why doesn't anybody like me!?" Seifer yelled, and began crying.

"We all like you, Seif," Raijin said, trying to ignore the fact he had landed on his head and it hurt, a lot. "We're your friends, y'know?"

"No, you bastard!" Seifer said, hugging Raijin tighter. "Why doesn't anybody like me, like me!?"

"Rinoa-"

"She likes Squall better! Everyone likes Squall better! Even you like Squall better!" and after that, Seifer actually wailed.

"I don't, Seif," Raijin said, shifting so that he was now sitting down, with Seifer's head on his lap. "You know Fuujin and I are with you. All the way, y'know?"

"But you won't date me! You think I'm hideous!"

"Seifer, I'm straight and Fuujin's a lesbian," Raijin explained. Seifer looked at him and pouted. "Besides, you like someone else, y'know?"

"Y- you mean you know who I like?" Seifer asked, wiping his tears.

"Yeah," Raijin said. "Well, I think I do, y'know?"

"How would you?"

"Well, everytime you look at Zell, you smile, y'know?" Raijin answered.

This did not help. At all. Seifer began crying again and held on to Raijin's waist.

"He hates me!"

"What?" Raijin asked. "He does not, y'know?"

"He does!" Seifer yelled. "This morning I waited for him to come back from his morning jog to ask him out but he never came back! He obviously knew I was there and avoided me! And then I went to buy him some flowers, so he would forgive me for all the times I was mean to him, but he never answered the door! And he won't answer his phone! And Squall said he had gone to the forest to train so he went with me to the forest but we didn't find him and Squall said that maybe he had come back to Garden and I came back and he wouldn't answer the door and he's not with his mom and he won't answer his phone because he has caller id and he knows its me and he HATES ME!"

"Seif, take a breath," Raijin said, giving his friend a comforting hug. "You'll make yourself pass out, y'know?"

"Raijin?"

Both guys turned to see Selphie come out of Fuujin's room. Seifer was quite weirded out at this sight.

"S-Selphie?" he said, confused. But then, and quite suddenly, a smile formed on his face. "SELPHIE!" he said, standing up and giving Selphie a hug that lifted her off the ground.

"You're friends with Zell!" Seifer said, putting her back on the ground. "Right?"

"Happy to see you, too, Seifer," Selphie said, catching her breath. "And yes, I like to think I am."

"So you know where he is!" Seifer said, looking optimistically at her.

Selphie was quite taken aback, but after a couple of seconds she shook her head. Seifer's smile faded and before Raijin could completely stand up again, Seifer had tackle-hugged him again.

"RAI!" he wailed. "Selphie's being mean to me!"

"What did I do!?" Selphie asked.

"You won't tell me where Zell is! You want to keep him all to yourself!" Seifer said and pointed an accusing finger at her.

"Seif, I'm a lesbian," Selphie explained. "The only thing I want to do with Zell is go shopping and answer teen magazine quizzes."

"Then he told you to not tell me where he is, right? Because he hates me! He told you to not tell me and to tell everyone to not tell me because he told you that I told him that he was a chicken-wuss and he hates me!" After that, Seifer buried his face in Raijin's chest and kept on crying.

Selphie looked at Raijin, who just shrugged and kept on trying to comfort Seifer.

"GUYS?"

The three of them turned to look at Fuujin, who looked more than a bit worried at the sight of Seifer.

"Fuujin!" Seifer said, suddenly standing up and hugging Fuujin.

"SEIFER!" Fuujin said, not really sure of what to say. This was the first time she had seen Seifer in any mood that wasn't mean, grumpy, or show-offish.

"Selphie's being mean to me because she won't tell me where Zell is!" Seifer yelled, once again pointing at the short brunette. "Make her tell me!"

Fuujin looked at Selphie, and then back at Seifer. She pointed at Selphie and then at herself. "GIRLFRIENDS," she explained.

Seifer looked at the two girls and then once again tackle-hugged Raijin before he could get up.

"RAI!" Seifer yelled. "Fuujin likes Selphie better than me! She doesn't love me anymore!"

"That's not true," Raijin said, hoping really hard the nerves on his butt would work again. "We all like you, y'know?"

"LOTS!" Fuujin said, kneeling besides them and putting a supportive hand on Seifer's back.

"We're your friends," Selphie said, kneeling behind Raijin and smiling at him.

"R-Really?" Seifer asked.

The three of them nodded. Seifer wiped his tears in Raijin's vest and stood up. Fuujin helped Raijin up while Seifer handed a tissue for Seifer to wipe away some more tears.

"Thanks," Seifer said. "Hug?"

Fuujin and Selphie hugged him. Raijin took the chance to walk past them and stand by the door.

"Okay," Seifer said, his voice almost back to normal. He let go of the girls and sighed. "Hey, Fuujin, think I can use your bathroom I really need to-"

"NO!" Selphie and Fuujin yelled in unison.

Seifer was taken quite aback at that. His face once again fell and he turned to Raijin.

Raijin sighed and opened his arms. If he was going to be tackle-hugged it would be at least marginally better to be ready for it. At least this time his butt was almost completely numb and didn't hurt as much when it hit the floor.

"RAI!" Seifer yelled. "Fuujin and Selphie don't like me anymore!"

"No, no, no! It's just that... that..." Selphie was panicking.

"MESSY!" Fuujin said.

"YES!" Selphie said. "Fuujin doesn't want you to see how messy her room is!"

"I thought we were friends!" Seifer said, although it was sort of muffled because he was talking into Raijin's chest again.

"CLEAN!" Fuujin said.

"Yeah!" Selphie continued. "We'll clean it a bit and then you can come in, okay? Raijin take care of him, okay."

With that, the girls ran into the room. Had the walls of garden not been soundproof, Seifer would've heard a lot of noise. Instead, he was sort of calming down in Raijin's arms. He shifted so that now his head was resting on Raijin's shoulder.

"You smell nice," Seifer said. "What cologne do you use?"

Raijin looked at Seifer, who just smiled.

"I don't know," he answered. "I just buy the cheapest, y'know?"

"It smells sort of like citrus," Seifer said.

Next time, Raijin thought, I'm just getting Seifer some gay porn.

The door opened and Selphie let them in. The room seemed the same except they had undone the bed, some books were open on the table along the bags from the shoping, and Zell was nowhere in sight.

"MUSIC!" Fuujin said, turning on the stereo on to a rock music station.

Raijin walked Seifer to the bathroom. Once Seifer was in and the door was closed he turned to Selphie and Fuujin.

"Where is he?" he whispered.

Selphie pointed to the closet door near the bed. Raijin opened it and saw Zell. As soon as the small blond saw Raijin, he kicked him with both feet.

"Careful!" Selphie said, closing the door on Zell's face. And kicking Raijin's stomach accidentally.

"You people really need to stop kicking me, y'know?" Raijin said in a strained voice.

"Sorry," Selphie said, while Raijin used a nearby table to help himself up. "But we need a plan for when Seif comes out."

But there was no time for that, Seifer opened the bathroom door and came out. He seemed much more like himself know, even if his eyes were a little red.

"Seifer!" Selphie said. "Rai was saying you two should go for a walk. To help you clear your mind."

"I was?" Raijin asked. "I WAS! I was, y'know?" he added hastily when he saw Fuujin raise her foot menacingly.

"Thanks" Seifer said, smiling a little. "That'd be cool."

Selphie smiled and motioned for Raijin to take Seifer out. Raijin put a supportive arm around Seifer and both of them walked to the door.

"Wait a minute," Seifer said, turning around before the door was opened. "You guys are hiding something from me."

"Us? No," Selphie said. "We couldn't."

"IMPOSSIBLE," Fuujin went on.

Seifer smiled devilishly. "You're hiding my presents in here, aren't you?"

Quite luckily, the only one who made a motion at that was Selphie, who looked at the bags on the table.

"A-ha!" Seifer said walking towards the table.

"Seifer, no! It's a surprise!" Selphie said, trying to take the bags before him and failing.

"It's bad luck to open your presents before the party, y'know?" Raijin said, trying to take the bags from him.

"RETURN!" Fuujin yelled, reaching for the bags but crashing with Raijin.

"Let's see," Seifer said opening the bag and looking confused.

"Chocolates," he said, taking those out.

"With tequila!" Selphie said, excitedly.

"A card..." Seifer went on. "A cutesy one."

"I told you that, y'know?" Raijin said, turning to Selphie.

"And condoms?" Seifer asked and looked at his three friends.

"Well," Selphie said. "Don't be disappointed."

"Yeah," Raijin added. "That's not all of it, y'know?"

Selphie glared at him, and Seifer smiled. "So it's there!" Seifer said, pointing at the closet. Fuujin was standing beside it, turning up the stereo's volume.

"Fuujin!" Selphie said.

"Seifer!" Raijin said, trying to stop Seifer. Soon enough Selphie was clinging to Seifer's neck also trying to stop him.

"You'll ruin the surprise!" Selphie yelled.

"UNFORTUNATE!" Fuujin said, standing in front of the closet.

Seifer looked at the three of them as if deciding who to strike first, but then just turned to the door. "You're right, he said."

The three of them were confused.

"What?" Seifer said, turning around. "Don't I get a hug goodbye?"

And as the three walked quickly towards him, Seifer dodged them all and went straight for the closet.

"Happy birthday to me!" he said, as he opened the door. At the sight of Zell in there he went completely still.

"Ummm..." Selphie said after the silence had dragged on for a while. "Happy Birthday!"

"SURPRISE!" Fuujin said.

"Yeah, man, congratulations," Raijin added.

Seifer slowly turned to them, when he did he looked a lot more like himself than ever.

"I. Will. Kill. You. All!"

And with that he took the first thing available (in this case, an umbrella hanging in the closet) and charged the three of them. After managing to hit Fuujin's head and Selphie's back, the three offenders managed to hide in the bathroom.

"AND STAY THERE!" he said in a huff, and walked back to the closet. He instantly kneeled besides Zell and gave him a big hug.

"I will save you now!" Seifer said, breaking the hug and making Zell do a sort of squeaky sound. As Seifer went to undo the knots he suddenly stopped and looked at Zell.

"But first I take you to my room," Seifer said. Zell looked at him questioningly. "You know, to take proper care of you."

Zell blushed. A lot.

Seifer put him in his arms, but realizing that would tire him soon enough he decided to sort of sling Zell over his shoulder so that now Zell was looking behind him. As Seifer walked out, the other three walked out of the bathroom just in time to see Zell looking at them triumphantly.

"Well, now it's over," Selphie said

"FORTUNATE!" Fuujin said.

"I'm never kidnapping anyone for anyone else ever again, y'know?"

"I know!" Selphie said. "But now we really need to buy something else for Seifer."

"Be he already got our present, y'know?" Raijin whined.

"Yeah," Selphie said. "But I think we need to get him other presents if we expect to ever come close Seifer without him sticking Hyperion through the three of us."

"MALL!" Fuujin suggested.

The three of them headed to the door but as it opened they saw Seifer standing there with a deadly glare on his face. The three of them walked backwards until they ended falling on Fuujin's bed (except Raijin, who tripped on the way there and landed on the floor).

Seifer entered the room, Zell still over his shoulder. He walked over to the table without taking his eyes off of them, and took the condoms out of the bag. Then he turned and left. Zell just looked really confused.

"Well," Selphie said. "At least now there's a chance he might be in a good mood at the party."

"If there even is a party," Raijin said. "That's a big pack of condoms you bought, y'know?"

\---

Hours later, Selphie, Fuujin, and Raijin stood in front of Squall's room, where the party was taking place. Selphie had called Squall beforehand and apparently Seifer and Zell had kept the incident to themselves.

Selphie rang the bell and a few moments later it opened. Squall stood there, and looked awfully taken aback by the odd trio in front of him.

"Hi Raijin, Fuujin, and Selphie," Squall said, as if trying to believe it himself. "Come on in."

"Thanks Squall!" Selphie said, throwing her arms around Squall. Not a second after that Fuujin cleared her throat, loudly.

"Oh yeah! Fuujin and I are girlfriends," Selphie said.

"Ummmm... okay," Squall said. "And Irvine?"

"Isn't he here yet?" Selphie asked.

"No, what I meant is-"

"Are we allowed to go inside?" Raijin asked. "Or do we have to listen to the whole gossip column first, y'know?"

Once inside the three of them greeted everyone, and basically everyone had the same reaction as Squall to the fact that Selphie was hanging out with those two. When Selphie explained about Fuujin and her, it did not make the matter make any more sense. But it was all left to be explained later as Rinoa announced it was the time for giving Seifer his gifts.

"Then," she said, excitedly. "We'll have cake."

"Chocolate cake," Irvine added.

Seifer, who was sitting in the couch with Zell in his lap didn't seem to notice or care for the arrival of the three kidnappers of his now (it seemed) boyfriend. Zell didn't seem to be complaining, either.

The birthday boy started opening presents one by one. Squall gave him a gunblade polishing kit, Rinoa got him a cd which he had been looking for a while. Irvine got him some gay porn ("Damn" thought Raijin, but then remembered there was lots of gay porn still out there in case he ever needed another present for Seifer), and Quistis got him a book.

He then turned to the other three who each presented a present.

"Oh," he said in mock surprise. "You got me another present."

Zell stuck his tongue out at them.

"Yeah," Selphie said. "Well, these are actually the chocolates you saw earlier but then I got more chocolates and then I remembered you like peeps so I got some, too. And then I remembered you like brownies, and, so, I got you chocolates, peeps, and brownies."

"Thanks!" Seifer said, taking several wrapped boxes from her.

"CONDOMS!" Fuujin said, presenting her box. Selphie raised an eyebrow at her. Everyone giggled a little. Zell blushed. So did Seifer, who just nodded and said thank you under his breath.

"I got you a book, y'know?" Raijin said.

"That's sweet, but I already got one," Seifer said, pointing to Quistis' present.

"But it's not the gay kama sutra, y'know?"

"Now that's some good literature," Irvine said.

Oddly enough, the party went pretty smoothly from there, and nobody objected the kissing of either Zell and Seifer or Fuujin and Selphie.

After the party, however, Seifer asked the three kidnappers to step out with him to the hallway. Selphie took her pepper spray, just in case.

However, once they were out there Seifer put his arms around the three of them and no, he was not trying to choke them.

"You guys are the best!"

"We are?" Selphie asked.

"That was, like, the best birthday present ever! Zell calls me his knight in shining armor! We had sex like-"

"We don't need the details, y'know?" Raijin stopped him.

"I do!" Selphie said.

"But," Seifer went on, now turning the hug a little more violent. "That doesn't change that you hurt the boy I love and that I will get you for that.

"But you won't even see it coming so relax because surely and eventually you will regret it," Seifer finished, cheerfully, and went back inside.

"You think he'll forget his revenge after Zell has sexed him up enough?" Selphie asked.

"NEVER!" Fuujin answered.

"Not a chance, y'know?"

"I know," Selphie sighed.

\---

A few months later Seifer led Zell by the hand through Garden. Zell kept on asking where they were going and Seifer kept on saying it was a surprise. When they finally got to Seifer's bedroom, he pushed the code to open the door.

"Surprise," he said, as the door opened.

Selphie, Raijin, and Fuujin yelled something, but Zell didn't know what because they each had a bandana on their mouths. Each one was tied to a chair. Each looked quite miserable.

"Oh my god, Seifer!" Zell said, turning to his boyfriend. "You didn't have to!"

"Happy birthday, love," Seifer said, kissing the smaller blond. "And, trust me, I did."

"And you did it all by yourself?" Zell said, getting in the room.

"No, I had some help," he said as Quistis walked into the room.

"Quisty?" Zell asked, confused.

"Well, do you know how much I walked that day looking for you?" Quistis said. "I went all the way to your mom's and then I looked around all of Balamb."

"You really should buy a cell phone," Seifer said.

"But this is sort of mean, you know?" Zell said. The three tied up people nodded. "I think..." Zell went on, taking off the bandanas of all three of them.

"THANKS!" Fuujin said.

"We're really sorry, y'know?"

"And we learned our lesson! You're so nice, Zell!"

"What are you talking about, Selphie?" Zell asked. "I just took those off so you can go insane listening to yourselves like I almost did that day!"

Seifer and Quistis laughed, the other three just looked very, very worried.

"We can come get them after lunch, right?" Zell said, walking to the door.

"Or dinner," Seifer added, walking besides his boyfriend.

"Or after we hit that new club downtown!" Quistis said. "They tell me they have the best chocolate martinis."

And with Quistis out the door closed, leaving the remaining three tied to chairs and alone.

"I really need to pee, y'know?"

Both Selphie and Fuujin looked at Raijin.

"Yeah," Selphie said. "Me too."

"HELP!"


End file.
